Expressing Feelings

ooh that title just sounds kinda icky. but here’s the deal. I talked to Rebecca and told her some personal details about how I feel about my friends. and releasing all of that felt good. and then I planned on telling more people via this wonderful thing called facebook. but I ended up telling more people to their faces about how I felt about them. and that release felt really good.

Some great things have come out of those talks. my friends understand me a bit more. the “touching the pasta” analogy. but kinda better summation of all the things I’ve been feeling would be:

“I’ve felt like an outsider for so long, that I can’t trust the people where I actually belong”

and its kinda sad. and it kinda makes me live under a spirit of fear/doubt. but I’ve lived like this for as long as I can remember. It hasn’t stopped me from always reaching out for friends, but it has stopped me from letting my shield down.

So if you’re reading this. This is me telling you that I’ve doubted that I ever mattered to you, and maybe I actually don’t matter to you. But for those of you who have done something nice for me that you thought was insignificant, I recognized it and appreciate whatever act of kindness you sent my way.

Friendship

“man, so much has drastically changed since you left.  I feel kind of bad for you. Things arent going to be what they were when you come back. I know you know that already, but i think youre going to be pretty disoriented :/”

Daniel sent me that. and I was ok. cause I thought I could handle it. then I read this from someone totally else.

“They can’t wait to re-connect with themselves and their old friends again. But, you know, it’s never as comfortable as the last time around. There’s too many new faces. The party names have changed, the DJs are “mixing harder”, and after the over-emotional, over-compensating hugs that last as if we were Vietnam vets reunited, they realize that they have changed too and that they have nothing in common with the new regime.”

and that sounds like every friendship I’ve ever had that went stale after only a month of radio silence. some people just fade away. I strive to maintain a few relationships. saying hi every now and then but feeling kinda stupid. People like Daniel strive to maintain our friendship. He emails me with nothing important to say, but he is doing it just to keep the lines open and I really appreciate that, it makes me feel loved.

Other people are too far gone that any attempt to reconnect now would make both parties feel awkward for not trying to stay in contact. and those friendships I really regret losing. Because I know I’ll see them again but when I do, I won’t know anything about how they’ve changed and who they are now. and neither will they.

I think the real test of a friendship is whether you are willing to sit through a long conversation listening to someone else’s life. and not tune out. at all. or if they would listen to you. I feel like I only have 5 or 6 people who would listen to me the whole time. Sometimes, its more. but I think thats only because I invest my time into their lives and subconsciously they feel obliged.

The Life

We walked out of the concert. Kids stood around with their cigarettes, belts, scarves, vests, and aviators. Dressed to impress, but to impress who? Naivety is passe and futility is cliche. Anyway, my friend said, “I want to be here with all the scenesters, that atmosphere.” 

Fastforward, I peruse facebook photos, seeing lives that I’m no longer apart of, people’s faces who have replaced my significance in their lives. and I say, “They look that their having such a great time. I wish my life looked that much fun.”

Fastforward, I’m in London talking to a sixteen year old girl who lives off Covent Garden and performs on the West End. She tells me her story of how shoe got famous after one telephone call, the same story I wold later find online in an interview with a major theater site. And we all say, “We wish we were you. This is the dream life”

Fastforward, I’m reading the blog of a photographer who shoots all over the world. Beautifully gritty life traveling here and there, Tokyo, New York, Miami, LA. He tells the story of language barriers, models, party girls. And the same jealosy creeps over me, then… rationalizations.

“Well it can’t be that perfect” “I know for sure that she’s depressed” “He could be making it all up”

and yet, that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. Instead of this rediculous life that I’m playing along in, I could do with out glamour or fame. but I want the savvy, the language, the confidence. I want to be the mental-image I have of myself. Not the boy who’s too self aware for his own good, or more ironically, maby not aware enough to see past all the crap in his way…. Nope, deffinately just too self-aware, no one else would be having this mental conversation

I’ve got a fever… (and it’s called senioritis)

Uggh I’m accepted into college, and I’m sick of all my theater projects. I feel so knowledgeable about theater that I think I could usurp Mrs. Wirth and teach at StoneGate AND give them a more comprehensive education on its history, styles, theorists and preactioners and playwrites.

I’m directing a play and have to write up a 3000 word essay on how I did it. As well as write a 2000 word essay on an unfamiar theater practice.

All of this after thinking up a brilliant idea for a play and devising all of that. and a 30 minute theater oral on what I’ve learned throughout the whole 2 years in this class.

 

ugghI wanna deal with the rest of my life. not these stupid assignments

Sorry Blog You’ve been Neglected

well A lot has happened since… when was that? October! my goodness ok well a whole life has gone by practically. Godspell went off without a hitch, I’m told.

You might then say, “Nathan why wouldn’t you know from first-hand experience?”

and then I would say, “I’m getting to that. Shut up and listen”

I wasn’t there because I was in another production outside of school of that classic musical “Fiddler on the Roof” Yes, I have already done that show, but this time I got a principal role instead of the dancing bartender.

My December exam went well not much happening now. On a nerdy note I got 3DS Max so maybe my graphic design skills will improve with the addition of 3D elements into my repertoire.

Where was my geeky costume!!!?!

So I got online today and saw this. I don’t recall ever being this jealous of a 4 year old. Just cause I know that

1) he can’t possibly appreciate what his dad is doing for him.

2) I’d never be able to pull that off now without looking REALLY tacky¹

3) because I’ve been surpressing my megaman fanboyness for several years now.

That is one one my first photoshop creations²

Obviously, I was something of interested. But back to the costume. The helmet, gun, and side of gun light up with littke LED lights. You know how freaking awesome that’ll be!!! Halloween is the only place in American culture that allows for such geekiness and attention to detail.

 

¹seriously, try wearing any superhero costume that involves underwear on the outside at the age of 17 or more

²horribly done yes but gimme a break I was in 7th grade

Godspelled

So I didn’t get Jesus or Judas. no surpise there, I didn’t expect to, those are the only two characters that actually get names. I wanted to be in the next group. The 8 people that get to use their own names and have lines and such. I mean it is my senior year in theater. I should at least be given a part there. No, that section requires some musical talent, and we all know I have no such thing that resembles that. I did get the less musical part in the ensemble. But I was still a little disgruntled about too. However, yesterday I got the position of Assistant Director after someone failed to show up enough times.

So now I’m totally happy with my part and am gonna do a great job with it

…And By We, I Mean You

so occasionally I’ve noticed a habit in my parents speaking to include people who aren’t really apart of something either for good or for bad.

My dad likes to say to the kids: “We really need to clean the garage today.” and we¹ are all thinking “…And By We, You Mean Us.”

But that is the easist one to spot because it involves work so its obvious² The harder ones to spot are the ones were he says it and means just himself. “We need to go down to the commune and get our residence papers sorted out” which really means “I need to do this stuff for you and enjoy not doing it while I take care of it.”

Do you⁴ see what I’m getting at? Or almost worst, when my mom says “I need to get the photos on the external hard drive sorted out”⁵

Aggh the disaster that is the English language.

 

¹we meaning the children

²cause heaven forbid that we³ should work together

³and by we I mean the kids and dad

⁴and by you, I mean… ok this is getting rediculous

⁵but I want you to do it

Mortality

This crazy fiasco with Preston has me thinking about mortality. No, not my mortality. I still think I’m invincible, but the instability of everything I know. This could ruin Preston’s personality like he’s Two Face or something (that could possible be and exaggeration) He could just withdraw into himself. None of that will happen and the whole thing will make for just a scary story later (and depending on how it all goes a pretty wicked scar), but everything else in my life isn’t going to stay perfectly serene. I’m going to college soon and my life isn’t going to have the same rhythm.

But also hearing this news about Preston when I’m 5000 miles away (4,964.15 miles to be exact)makes me feel kinda helpless. or not helpful or something. The most I can do is call him which is the same someone living 10 miles away could do. Except I have more loyalty than someone who lives only 10 miles away and just calls. I’m kinda scared about being on my own and not having my family right behind supporting me and pushing me. Uggh it’s just so confusing and frustrating.

Hotdogs

First off I’m trying a new thing I saw in some books and someone else’s blog. Foot notes for the little things that may or may not be worth mentioning. The only problem is if the post gets too long, you’ll have to scroll back and forth, oh well too bad. Onto your regularly scheduled blog entry:

If you didn’t know, while I was off in Belgium, Grand Prairie¹ acquired it’s very own minor league baseball team² So I went with some friends to see a game. (score at 2 second inning, 1-to-0. Score at end of entire game, 1-to-0³)  So as far as the actual game, dismal failure. Fun times? plenty.⁴ Seth and I eventually got bored and walked out of the field to get some fresh air. We hopped a fence and were in the Lonestar Park paring lots. No sooner had we stumbled upon a make shift driving course, than a security guard becomes visible in the distance. We start to walk away so we don’t get in trouble but a truck outraces two teens trying to walk away nonchalantly any day. So he caught up with us and scolded us and we sat through it all. Then he asks us if we came from the baseball game. We say yes. The out of nowhere he says to us,

“Can you get me a hotdog?”⁵

We were sorta in shock for a second then Seth says, “All I’ve got is a quarter” He gives us three bucks and says, “This should cover it.”⁶ I knew that the cheapest thing I had seen was a churro for three bucks. I was expecting the hotdog to cost something like $4.50 I really didn’t want to spend anymore of mt own money. I had already paid $2.25 for a small ice cream cone.  We considered just going back to the game and just keeping the money. There would be no walk way he could find us or even get in.  We walk all the way back to the game and find a stand. When we get up to the counter, we searc the the menu for the hotdog. When we see it we couldn’t believe our eyes. It costs exactly three dollars and twenty-five cents! No tax! That was such a funny moment. but what was even funnier was when we eventually got back to the guy, after handing him the hotdog, he said to us, “Keep the change”

¹my little hometown nestled in between Dallas and Fort Worth,

²I know right? Who thought that was a good idea

³At least we won ;D

⁴I’m not going to mention the dancing contest, fake arrests of Mr. Leach, little kids in costumes, T-shirt cannons, or any of that boring stuff.

⁵The more I tell the story the more exaggerated his Texan accent becomes.

6 Yeah right, I was sure I’d have to fork over some of my own cash for that weiner.